Hello grief. I feel you…in my arms and hands, in the fleshy part beneath my thumb. Aching. Every breath hurts. Crying at the smallest of things. Broken.
I will not latch on, desperately trying to distract myself with things that only temporarily soothe.
I’ve spent my whole life, afraid to really feel…again. From the first heartbreak that tore at my soul, I vowed (unconsciously) to never, ever feel that way again. Walls were constructed around my heart. Furtive and fearful eyes looked for any and all ways to control my world. No more, my broken heart cried. No more!
It still happened though. The hurt crept in. The walls and control I thought protected me caused even more harm, a false self projected into the world. Soothing myself with drugs, alcohol, men, exercise… I was still in there, covered by decades of ill-fated attempts, all created to protect me from pain.
I am standing now, in the middle of the hurricane. God is holding my hand as He helps me break down each wall. Every stone will be destroyed, until all that is left is me, and God, and hurt and joy and light. Forever.
“And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” -Jesus (Matthew 28:20)